Well, I am very excited for the half time action lined up for this weekend’s TCRG FINALS!! Where I will not only get to watch my wifey KILL it in her final bout of the year but… drum roll puh-leeeze… get to witness the East Van Pillow FIGHT CLUB!!!! (Yah that’s right, four exclemation points! Take THAT grammar nazi’s.) OK! So, originally my idea was to, conversely, come up with what 6 concepts I would NOT like to see.. first to come to mind is a recent hot topic in BC here called, “Little Spinners” a youth pole dancing group from “Twisted Grip Dance & Fitness”… uh riiight… but for multiple reasons (beat a dead horse…) I figured, “Hey! Let’s keep this positive and let me imagine 6 half-time shows that I WOULD wish to see, even if my brain gunk formulates something completely fictitious and outlandish… join me of this frivulous adventure…

1.) Well, I remember at one TCRG half time there were some hipsters on bikes playing a polo type game… its was pretty cool, but what might’ve been even better: midgets riding great danes with rainbow croquet mallets! Ok… sorry for the use of derogatory wording… I can’t recall what the politically correct term is for ‘hipster’..haha and ‘midget’ I guess… Regardless, DOGS! Obviously the midget/great dance juxtaposition is grand, but speaking of dogs (and also recent hot topic) Pit bulls!! Why not a Pit bull kissing booth or just full on dog show! Haha! (Back ground on that, BC media has been hyping up Pit Bull propaganda and fear mongering and it obviously touches a nerve with me and my baby Mika!)

2.) OR Perhaps…I’m sure the Faster Pussycats will like this one: K… so let me set the scene, the lights go down… a spot light appears in the centre… it’s quiet, except for the sounds of footsteps. A Man dress in black approaches the spotlight but doesn’t enter. He is holding a large cardboard box, he carefully tilts and lowers the box and the contents begin to tumble out on to the floor. Of course, they’re Kittehs!!!! The can chase string, laser pointers, or just laze around and look pretencious and ‘too good’ for everything. Either way it’d be cute as hell. Huh? huh!?

3.) Ok Ok animals aside… (sorry Unicorns, Elephants, Emu’s, and camels –it’s not your time)… I would enjoy watching a rigorous and downright deadly competition of Rock, Paper, Scissor! This is an Olympic sport isn’t it!? Or a relay/combo, including arm wrestling and leg wrestling!? Don’t shoot this idea down. In my family, we used these tactics to figure out who was stuck doing chores like ‘the dishes’.

4.) K that one was a bit weak… POPPED into my brain… instead of more athleticism… how about more art! Think Dexter-esq… or Maul E. –esq….muahhaha. What I am proposing is a half-time filled with an artistic paint/blood splatter compilation!? I’m thinking… artists in the middle of a circle of large blank white canvas. Cue in dramatic music, and let the red paint fly! Even better… volunteering fans can come down and offer to stand in front of the baron canvas’s and also get splattered. Oooo Pick me! ME! *stretches and waves hand in the air, standing in seat, using other head to theatrically hold up extended hand* “Pick me!”

5.) Now, I remember a special birthday gift last year that I received. Yes, my Birthday event was watching a TCRG game and the gift was throwing a pie in, the then, Smashemoiselles respectable-sexy- lil-derby-hero-face! GAH! It was nerve racking and my throw(s) sucked – yes, she gave me more than 1 opportunity. It was MESSY and fun! On that theme, how about half-time Jello/KY Jelly wrestling!? I’m thinking of that scene in Old School… you know, the one with Blue!? Well.. in anycase, maybe we could have an age limite, for safety.

6.) Hmmm what else!? Well, I have always wanted to see a good ol’ fashioned “Freak Show”! The dark circus kind. I’m not sure how hard it is to commandeer authentic “freaks” (ie. Bearded ladies, lizard people, monkey girls, etc). But I’d still find less authentic ones just as amusing… a fake bearded lady would tickle my fancy nearly as much… and I mean, half-time isn’t that long and may not necessarily command a full fledge freak show. We could just round up weirdo even, or dress up less-than-freakish people to maximize their freakiness… or showcase freaky talents (you know, fire breathing, sword swallowing, contortionists, and people really good at math).

Well, my imagination part of my brain hurts now… that’s all for now folks. I would LOVE to hear some ideas from you though! And sorry for the lack of Derby content.. and forgive me or pretend that today is still the 6th 😉 no one will be the wiser!?
<– My baby, Mika ❤ 


Well I’m a few days late (maybe you didn’t notice), but I’m slowly bouncing back from a heat stroke and flu combo that knocked me on my ass this long weekend and into emerg with severe dehydration (they took my blood muahhaha). But anyways, luckily I had prepped my August 6ths post after playing with the Sunshine Coast Roller Girls (me and my team mate Wry’s first time as ‘pick-ups’) against the Haney Hooligans. Put out of my comfort zone, I was told I was going to be a jammer the whole game! I’ve often wondered what those amazing, confidant, jammers were thinking as they skated in circles. Well here’s a bit of insight in to what a non-confidant “jammer” has running through her head.

*warning: the thoughts running through Maul E’s head does not represent the thoughts of all jammers or even normal people for that matter, these thoughts are hers and hers alone, and she’d quite frankly, be surprised if people shared them! *

So anywho:

Maul E. Mayhem #666’s 6 things I felt the 1st time I was a “jammer” for a whole bout.

1.) The first thing that entered my brain was a scene from the 1976 horror film ‘Carrie’, “They’re all going to laugh at you!”. Haha! All blood soaked and such. Hmmm, then again if a bucket of pigs blood was dumped on me that may have calmed me down! 🙂 Blood or not, I didn’t want to be laughed at. Normally, I’m not one to embarrass easily – I just felt like, geez, “I hope people don’t think that I think that I’m jammer… I’m just trying ya know.” Ah yes the sweet insecurities that makes me not miss those high school years depicted in aforementioned movie. In the end, I got over it, got over myself , outta my head, and stretched the starred panty over my helmet. All I can do is try and
hey, maybe I’ll have a bit of fun.

2.) Once I got out there, had some ups, some downs, even some penalty trouble, I just thought of the support, cheering, fans, friends, and teamwork. Right! Why we’re all HERE!!! I thought of these because I felt them. SCRG are amazing woman who couldn’t have been more accepting and embracing – I felt there support and camaraderie. I had a few fans in the crowd (okay 2 – lol) whose presence are a calming factor. ❤ The OTHER team is a great group, good competitors, but know how to have fun too (Annie Autopsy!). The fans were rad too – and prolly didn’t come to watch a scaredy jammer moping around possibly shatting her pants in fear. So for their sake (hehehe) I tried loosening up and having some fun and be a strong competitor. Plus, my amazing coach Roller Doobie and Pink Lemonraid encouraging me and pushing me were go to’s in my brain.

3.) Perhaps the next thing that pops into the ol’ noggin is: “I’m free falling”… yes, THAT song. haha. At first, it’s a soothing song.. relaxing even, loosens me up. Then the chorus comes, it’s getting rocking a bit, I’m about to the hit the wall and then… FREE FALLING… woooo that’s what is known as the adrenaline rush kids – enjoy, because it doesn’t always last long before you crash (physically, mentally, or a bit of both!?). Which this picture depicts, the picture that’s missing is me crashing it to the amazing photog, Russ Desaulniers. He’s a great sport.

4.) So speaking of photogs… thought #4, what the EFF am I suppose to do when I see them pointing their camera towards the jammer line where I don’t have a pack of 7 others to hide behind….hmmm awkward fart faces happen – apparently. But seriously, I felt like Zoolander… Blue Steel, Magnum, Le Tigre… they’re all the same!? (is everyone on crazy pills). And then out of boredom, or maybe I was being sassy I posed like I was tooting on the other jammer haha. Why so serious? Yah not a model…

5.) I felt like I was dating ‘jamming’ and forming a relationship with it. It was like falling in love, scary at first, ya know the butterflies and all. After, I felt more comfortable and could be more ‘myself’ around jamming. If I ‘messed up’, I wasn’t as embarrassed as I was before. Jamming loved me for who I was… but hey, no relationship is perfect, right? We’re in like right now… with bouts of passion 😉

6.) Lastly, getting a bit more comfortable in my skin I did feel like Dr. Jeckle Mrs. Hyde (if you will). A blocker/jammer split personality! Dr. Jammer: “beat her off the line, be faster, get thru the pack!” vs. Mrs. Blocker: “hmmm yah you have time give her a nudge, hit her, knock her down, hit or be hit!” The target on my back (or on my helmet, yah the stars a target people! its hunting season and YOU are the prey!) didn’t help! I see people lining me up I can’t evade (as well as others *wink*), so I counter – smash back! Now jam! I guess this is a “style” lol.

So there, I’ve emptied my brain goo all over you. I’d love to hear what other people think when they jam, especially if they’re NEW like me!

Thanks for reading~!

Feeling a bit tapped out of creative brain juices, I left it up to the people of facebook and posed a question. I asked, “what would you like to hear come from the deep recesses of Maul E’s brain for July 6th blog!?” and it was a tie between, “eating for game day” and someones inquiry about any pre-bout rituals I had, and maybe how they originated. I think these two will actually overlap nicely. Now, I made the first mistake of letting my mind take me immediately from basic “rituals” to the crazy rituals and superstitions you hear about – specifically in hockey, like play-off beards and refusing to wash gear… Well I guess those aren’t too crazy – no one is sacrificing a goat or anything. Or maybe they are!? Find out and continue reading:

Maul E. Mayhem #666’s 6 Do’s and Don’ts for pre-bout Rituals.

1.) First off, DO have a ritual, or rituals (plural)!! For me familiarity and routine often provides me with a sense of calm and sanity in this shit-show kind of world.  But DON’T have a superstition… What is the difference you ask? Well, Maul E. is about to get all research on yo ass!! “Dr. Peter Haberl, a sports psychologist for the US men’s and women’s Olympic hockey teams, makes a clear distinction between rituals and superstitions. Rituals become part of a routine, and an athlete has complete control over them. Superstitions, on the other hand, might actually get in the way of performance, because athletes cannot control them.” So a ritual could be making/drinking a smoothie before the bout… mostly in your control right!? But, for instance, if you just absolutely need to have your ‘lucky’ dump before each game… well that just might be too much pressure to put on your bowels. (Is there a pun there? If so – happy accident. Oh another?)

2.) My favorite ritual I DO, is ‘carb load’!! Hells to the Ya! Now, apparently we’re not looking for the carbs that are in beer – I’ve been told that’s a ‘no-no’ “bad Maul E” and then I’m spanked… I enjoy this, so then I have another beer… hahaha JK I wish… but in all seriousness… NO BEER! I know I will have my fill at the after party anyhow and I LOVE pasta, so forgoing the brewski (in fact ANY alcohol  the night before) is not too much of a sacrifice.  So, DO carb loadDON’T confuse Beer, potato chips, or other junk for carb loading…

3.) Can you say Bout-fit!? I wouldn’t say I have a ‘lucky’ pair of socks, but my blood splattered black and white socks are definitely my ‘go to’ bout-fit pair of socks – will I cry if normal stripped socks (or my skeleton socks) will have to suffice? No. DON’T obsess over ‘lucky’ garments that could get eaten by the hungry dryer monsters because you do not want to add additional stress to your life or mind space pre-bout. Make-up/’fake’ blood splatter on my face has become a thing I do. I don’t think the liquid liner or hemo-splotches add to my game, but gosh darnit it relaxes me!!!! And it kinda empowers me (look good, feel good?).  DO incorporate a bout-fit routine or ritual that will relax your nerves and/or make you feel extra kick-ass. Side note: I kind of used to do this for soccer as a teenager. No makeup, but I would put my hair in a pony than have TWO braids coming from it, followed by a white head band. I can remember listening to music and methodically putting on my jersey/gear and getting ready like I was ready to go to war.

4.) Speaking of music! It gets me going so I DO have pre-bout-worthy play lists that get me in the right frame of mind… or my Mayhem frame of mind, rather! DON’T listen to songs you just ‘like’ – music usually puts us in a mood, so decide what kind of mood you want to be in. Already relaxed!? DON’T listen to sleepy time boring music! Maybe if your too amped and need to relax that might be okay. Think of music like a drug and dose accordingly! I personally feel like, when I hit the track I want to feel energetic, strong, confidant, tough and that “Ima beat whoever gets in my teams way”. Save the fun dance club music for the after party, or for dancing on the jammer line to have a lil fun.. but have that song in your head… that song that’s telling your body not to quit and your head that you got THIS! Musical motivational!

5.) Now our captain Pohlverine always tells us to hydrate (see above NO beer-nice try!). So I have a bout tomorrow and since yesterday I’ve been pounding water like a beast, orange juice, and coconut water (FTW)! Literally as I type this I have been asked if I wanted a beer – nooooooo, *chugs water* gahhhh so not-beery. WELL its part of my ritual and makes me proud that I stick to it. I don’t like to get up to too much the night before and I prefer my morning of the bout to be dedicated to relaxing, hydrating, and eating enough protein to stay energized, full, but not tired and bloaty. I know, SO exciting right!? Maul E. Mayhem is off tha HOOK. So chillens, DO hydrate, introduce a hydration regime to your ritual and a general pledge to be more thoughtful and purposeful to what you put in your body leading up to and including your bout-day. DON’T regret that kegger you went to the night before and McDonalds breakfast you had minutes before you hit the track, and then you might not regret shitting your derby skins when you get your ass knocked down… it’s hydrate and energized or poop smears following you like a shitty snail track… up to you.

6.) Now to the fun rituals, the dark rituals. Yes, I am taking about the rumours of my bad habit of cannibalism… the blood that must be spilt for my rituals to all take effect pre-bout… the sacrificial lamb if you will. And…….. I got nothing LOL. Pretty vanilla. I mean, I have a couple quirks, like I can’t wear non-derby clothes the day of the bout.. its pjs/bday suit to bout-fit… no in between. Once I get to the venue I pretty much try to ignore the other team or anyone and anything that’s not my team. I think it comes down to DO make yourself as comfortable as possible in body and mind. How much crap do we do on the track just to mess with each other and ‘psyche’ other players out?! I need to get my mind clear and clean, then fill it with my own amped up, positive vibe, motivational space. My body needs to be ready for what my head says it can do – oh and it best deliver. DON’T forget your playing derby, until you’re doing up your skates and watching your opponents warm up and ‘oh they look good and tough’ and ‘omg look at all those people in the stands’ and ‘oh I’m thirsty, no I’m hungry.. or do I have to go to the bathroom!? Fack!?” Be prepared. Help your wife and or team be prepared, and enjoy!!!!!

Thanks for reading!!!!! 🙂

Another article on Derby Rituals! Found on Derbylife: http://www.derbylife.com/articles/2011/07/top_10_pre_bout_rituals_or_how_get_rid_pre_bout_jitters

Happy 6th day of the 6th month! Too bad it wasn’t 2006… but still, one of my favorite days 🙂

6 differences I was thinking at first… there will be more: blood, zombies, metal music, skulls, frankenstein, and cannibalism (obviously)… but that’s probably just me… So, with no further adieu…

Maul E. Mayhem #666’s 6 reasons marrying a derby girl might be a little bit different….

1.) When the topic of marriage comes up, people will come out of the woodwork with unsolicited advice… many will warn you not to ‘rush in to things’ or ask how well you really know each other. Marrying a derby girl, all I’d ask is… have you smelt her gear before?! Haha. Maul E. says, “To love, is human; to love her stinky gear and all, is divine”. So, “For better or worse, in sweet aroma or sweaty wrist guard stank… till death do you part” 😉

2.) Apparently some brides-to-be prep for their weddings by dieting, working out more, or something extreme. I think of this, as I sit down to my “insanity burger” (the buns are grilled cheese sandwiches) and glass of beer. Your derby baby is already derby-licious, right!? So the only prep you guys may be worried about is that she can walk in her shoes (unless she’s skating down the aisle… awesome!?). Another thing on “prep”… unless you are prepared for the possibility of looking like a battered wife or to limp down the aisle… perhaps taking it easy a week or so before the wedding actually may be a good idea… Blasphemy I know! I’m not saying not to derby… I will be attending practice TONITE, 3 days left to my wedding day,… I’m just saying.. lay off the full contact just before.. this was something I’m glad my fiancé brought up actually… haha, and I’m glad.

3.) At ‘normal’ weddings, I’ve seen the most passive of guests morph into savage warriors during the bouquet toss. Personally, I’m thinking at my wedding the dance floor will be the battle field. *Booty Block – Booty Block – Hip check – Hip check- Hip check– Sprinkler!* Either way, please look out… whether it’s my 80 year old grandma (she looks innocent enough) or my NWO Roller Girls… keep your head up!

4.) When checking out venues, instead of noticing the ornate moldings or high ceilings your derby bride to be is checking out the very skate worthy floor and wondering if anyone will notice (or care) if her and a few fellow derby attendees skate around a bit at the reception.

5.) Some people may marry someone who has been previously married. But if she’s a derby girl, know that she may STILL BE married!! (To her derby wife of course). Then there’s the proverbial marriage to roller derby itself, her team/league, etc. I won’t say that marrying a derby girl is marrying her team too, but her team is like a family so just know that – though, if it has come to tying the knot I’m sure that’s already known. 

6.) Hmmm… one more reason why marrying a derby girl may be different? Well if she’s as passionate and dedicated about you as she is about her sport – you’re in luck! If she pours her heart and soul and leaves her guts on the metaphorical banked-track of your relationship than you know she’s giving you her all. If you are a good team mate in matrimony, than she will have your back for ever. And well, if that’s too sappy… than you can suck it, and I will gladly eat your face ! Haha.

 <– the insanity burger and warm gravy!! Mmmmm! >_<

6 tips to ensure your road trip is NWO awesome…

1.) Prepare and carry out a nutrition plan 48 hour or so before, and leading up to your bout. Ya know, carb load the night before (not right before playing) and that’s NOT including the carbs in beer… Made a rhyme to remember.. “beer before, and you won’t score… beer after, enjoy with laughter”… hahha. As Pohlverine will attest, “hydrate, hydrate, hydrate” (this means water NOT beer – again, I know it’s difficult to comprehend). For those who don’t have a health guru, read above, then day of.. HYDRATE, no carbs, lot’s of protein, and light stuff pre-game, etc.

2.) Get a team BUS!! (or kick ass convoy) But seriously, the rocket bus was AMAZING and helped the whole trip run smoothly by keeping our little group of ADD misfits altogether. Head counts suggested, we don’t want any stowaways and ‘no one gets left behind’ – hey thats 5FDP song…. (and thanks Eric, the BEST bus driver we ever had!)

3.) Party like a Rock star. Which is easy if SCRG is hosting. GREAT hosts. I’m talking stocked change rooms with bananas, oranges, candy, water, gift bags, and the juice of the derby gods known as coconut water (side bar: great hangover helper). Be gracious guests, thank them profusely. Drink their beer and eat their pizza afterwards for forgoing this step will be a huge insult. Then, proceed to the stated after party and drink their grog and most importantly dance up on your hosts and fellow derby sisters accordingly. Repeat if necessary.
4.) As convenient as it may be, try not to pass out in your boutfit… waking up at 7am with cold, wet, boob sweat sucks more than words can really describe… also, team mates… take note, taking pictures of others passed out is not only hilarious, but encouraged. This later may become your team mates “thing” -to which they can add to their battle tales f0r after. ADDENDUM: This also goes for sayings, “Hey, Guess what?!” and/or accents (brooklyns as good as any right Wry?) 

5.) Have a team breakfast in the morning. This has many benefits, it makes sure everyone IS indeed alive, has survived the after party AND managed to get their asses out of bed. It helps the healing process, of just getting the shit kicked out of you… and then out of your liver by providing subsistence and re-hydration. IF your lucky, some vitamin D courtesy of Mr. Sun like we did at Maules, ahem.. Mollys Reach… (beautiful ocean view suggested but not mandatory, though better than the bloodshot eye’d friend across from you perhaps? ha)  

6.) Go home, hug your family and/or dog and/or cat whom you have abandoned for the weekend to be a warrior on the road. And most importantly, go forth and share the tales of victory and sorrow that your team endured. Let the epic legends exist and pass through the derby community by word of mouth. And of course, a ‘picture or it didn’t happen’…   


In honor of Zombie Jesus weekend… that whole resurrection thingy and raised from the dead stuff..I will stay in the theme – the Easter spirit if you will, and present to you: Maul E. Mayhem #666’s 6 ways Roller Derby has resurrected me!

1.) When I feel like a zombie myself, after work/school whatever… I normally just want to crawl on the couch and let the decomposition begin.. BUT with the promise of Roller Derby practice that evening, I manage to drag my animated corpse off the couch, scarf some dinner, and drive to the top secret base. It’s hard to put the gear on my stiff limbs as rigor mortis sets in.. but after a few warm up laps I’m back to normal! 🙂 (thanks team!)

2.) Derby brings an influx of new, like-minded derby peeps  like a breath of new life into your social circle – meeting people who are just as crazy as you freaking rocks. Don’t get me wrong, I LOVE my non-derby friends, especially the ones that stuck around and still tolerate my torrid affair with le derby. My closest derby cohorts truly uplift me when I feel like I am being crucified by life.

3.) Not one to eagerly head to the gym a couple hours a week, Derby has given me the motivation, and excuse, to make time for ME (and my health/exercise). Working full time, going to school (uhh full time) I just felt there wasn’t any time to do much else… and the free time I did have I thought sleep/relaxing would be the best way to spend it. Enter derby, cue angelic choir sound clip and euphoric light from the heavens shining down, “Hallelujah” and all that jazz. Now, I make time to get my practice on, sweat, work hard and love doing it. I wish I had even more time for MORE dryland – yes, MORE!! muahhahhaa  

4.) I wouldn’t go to far to say I was a hermit.. but Friday nights were my designated “grandpa nights” and Saturdays were happily spent at home, with a movie, or doing some homework… I wouldn’t say I was a misanthrope or anything, but I hated clubs and bars, malls and grocery stores, and anywhere where there was just too many stupid people. Then, like a phoenix, rising from the ashes of comfy PJ pants, I went to derby events at pubs (and even clubs – I know, right!?), rocking my boutfit and giving zero fucks (yes, not even a half of a fuck was given). Wielding my cart, while grocery shopping, like I’m truck and trailering my pivot ready to booty block anyone in my way haha.    

5.) *CLEAR* the Doctor Derby yells as she jolts my creativity with the defibrillator paddles *CLEAR* beep boop beep boop (heart beat)… YES! what I am trying to descriptively illustrate is Derby resurrecting my creativity! Besides the lack of time (zombies have no concept of time FYI) there was also a lack of an fitting outlet… being a business major (finance/accounting with minor in Economics) and working in an office… my creativity wasn’t something I got to pull out too much… now I get to make athlete pages, BLOGS, work with merch, and create a persona…  

6.) “It’s Aliiiiiiiiive!!!!” like Frankensteins’ monster, I’ve created my own monster, Maul E. Mayhem #666. Muahahahahha-ha. Although, I’m not really dead… Maul E. Mayhem could be like a zombie jesus version of ‘nina’… she’s that little manifestation of mayhem that perhaps things in ‘my’ life have tried to stifle, suffocate, and kill… maybe it did die (for 3 days) and then it rose from the grave… to play derbs and eat your brains yo!   

A few weeks ago I asked for some ideas for my ‘6 lists’, and got some good ones!

I’ve picked a suggestion from Tara-Atreyu Peters who is a derby mom, who just had a baby, and is eager to get back on the track! She wanted ‘6 signs your mom plays Derby.’ Scratching my brain I’ve come up with my 6…

the fine print: *I am not a mom (except to my puppy Mika – but I’m told that’s ‘not the same’) and my mom (although very cool) doesn’t play derby so ima just go ahead and guess… hehe… and use a lil inspiration from the beautiful mom/derby players I have the pleasure of skating with! 🙂 ❤ (you know who you are)

Without further adieu…

Maul E. Mayhem #666’s

“6 signs your mom plays derby”

1.) Instead of screaming BINGO, you’re more likely to hear her scream GET LOW.

2.) She let’s you (or is it ‘makes you’) get a sweet undercut hair style, even gets a star shaved into the side. What up, shout out to cool derby mom PinkLemonRaid and her awesome daughter Sweetie Die – who rocks said badass hair style ((jealous)) 

3.) When she hugs you it doesn’t always feel warm, soft, and smells like vanilla.. in fact, most of time its hard, rough, and smells like derby gear.

4.) Your mom probably plays derby if she has more friends than you on facebook… haha

5.) Lot’s of mothers are known for their supermom-powers of multitasking but a derby mom takes it one step further… she can carry a load of laundry, tiptoe around toys (and other tripping hazards) on the stairs, (I mean if she can dodge through a pack – come on!) and she close doors with quick and solid hip check motion like a BOSS. She probably does the aforementioned laundry IN the derby squat position too!

6.) She can totally kick your ass, your friends, her friends, whoever…